A Seeker Journal Entry

I have tons of composition journals full of the details of Princess and Seeker early years. I started them right after I had positive pregnancy tests. They have pictures of the pregnancy tests as their first entry.....I know. Gross, right? ;D Then weekly updates of how they were growing during the pregnancy courtesy of Baby Centers weekly emails. There is family genealogy, news articles....b/c they needed to know what was going on in the world when I was 27 weeks pregnant;D family stories, and accounts of my general excitement about being pregnant. Even things a boy doesn't want to know about like how his mom couldn't nurse him past 8 months b/c her employer made it hard to pump. Pretty standard stuff....for a weirdo to keep;D  By the time I had Goofball I had pretty much given up on it b/c I was so busy. I just couldn't keep up.

 I will probably regret letting people see this. But, I am going to post one of my journal entries. I think it really gives you a good view of where I was when I realized for sure that my oldest two were autistic. My husband didn't like the term autism. He wouldn't even look anything up about it online. So I felt like I was fighting a battle with him as well. But, I knew....in my heart (and yes I have one) that they were autistic even though I wasn't allowed to use the word.  And yes....I knew Seeker was autistic by the time I made this entry shortly before his first birthday. 

 ....and I was scared....so scared:(

Funny how I thought I was done having kids.....read that one wrong too. My husband is super hot...so its not my fault;D

I know I wasn't a crappy mom. But, back then I felt like I was. And if I wasn't a bad mom God must be punishing me for something I did. I couldn't really think of anything bad I had to be punished for. But, I figured if I wasn't being punished, God must just hate me b/c he kept fucking me over time after time. God never had my back...and I didn't understand why. This was another thing I wasn't allowed to discuss. But, I'm not too worried about retribution from God now b/c I'm basically an atheist. Autism wasn't the reason....it was just the last straw. (I do have several graphics about how ridiculous it is to believe that a God is punishing people with autism. BTW- I'm not one of those that tries to ridicule people for their beliefs....I want people to believe in God. It gives people a lot of hope....and it keeps them in line;D )

 Anyway,  now here comes some sass that eventually saved me from my pit of despair. 

I think you can see a bit of my personality that you are familiar with.  Yes...my almost one year old can't tell anyone that I am a "bad mom" and that I feel like crap. I tried to make light of it. But damn....it still hurt me.